DARKNESS

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I am awful, I feel awful and I have no hope about anything. How can I be so unstable? How can I feel fine and the next day lose all the fucking hopes that keep us living? I feel so useless for being so voluble. People hate that. But what people think is just the smallest of my problems. I am bad. I need help. I need something that helps me, but I don't know what it is. I am going to end up really bad, but I just don't know. I am sick of me. I am sick of living with me...It's just that sometimes I want to get better, I want to be normal and happy. ...Although, I am normal, right? What is wrong with me? Why am I different if I am just sad? 
Living is too much for me. I am so useless that I can't live a simple, normal life. I feel alone, but it's just that I am empty, I don't have anything to offer me that is why I need people. People can silent my pain for a while, then they go. And it is fine. I can't have people around me all the time, that is wrong. But, I know. Deep in my heart I know I want them to be with me. I want them to save me from something I, myself, have created. I know that my problems can only be solved by me, but knowing is not the same as doing. 
I'm sad. I'm sad that I am an adult. I wish I was a child again. Why didn't I have these problems when I was a child and my mom could solve them? Why? Now, I am alone, it's my fight only. And nobody's here to help me. They can just hurt me and they will destroy me little by little. My friends can't always be with me and people who are near me, they don't care and they will hurt me. I am sick of this. I am sick of this shit. SAD. SAD. SAD. SAD. SAD. SAD. SAD. 

FEAR...

I am afraid, afraid to gain weight again. I don't want to come back to 57, a lot less 58. I don't want to. I know I am doing wrong by letting my life become only appearance and insecurities but it's a start, right? A start to feel motivation once again. At least I have the intentions to change my situation, right? The only thing I wouldn't like to think is that I am feeling energy again just because of a man. I wouldn't like that but deep in my heart I feel that is the rationale (new word, hehe). 
Hehe, this vacation will be strange, I am feeling strange but, for now, I am calm. I have hopes and expectations despite the fear, hehe. I feel a little warmness in my heart and tiny pieces of joy inside of me. Jiji. 
Thanks for receiving me, dear journal. Thanks for "hearing" my thoughts and reading my secrets. 
OFF. 
DON'T LET ME MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN

Starting to fall in love

Once upon a time the most beautiful thursday of this year. I just want to express that I had such a wonderful afternoon with a really nice guy who surprised me with his unusual attitude that day. Feelings and thoughts are very complicated, I felt a bittersweet emotion in my stomach. There were butterflies... an interesting tickle which made me feel what I  haven´t felt in a long time. The thing is that inside my stomach there were also hyenas that were eating my clear coscience and my ephemeral happiness. That is how, the joy and the smiles dissapeared, that beautifully perfect thursday finished, and I had to come back to my life being very confused and starting to fall in love (hence: desperate). 

STARTING OVER :)

Tonight I´m feeling LONELY. It´s probably because I´m not doing anything productive. And, of course, I have work to do, I have goals to accomplish but,...well, I´m just enjoying the unhealthy habit of being "average", you know? Being "mediocre". BUT NOOOO
NOO
I don´t know how, but SOMEHOW I´ll find the energies and I will take control of my life.
Now: The To Do List:
1. Lose weight by eating better and being more active. 
2. Make Tony lose weight by being stric with his food and taking walks with him. 
3. Improve my French level, but REALLY, improve it. 
4. Study Korean on my own. RESPONSIBLY!!
5. Read all the texts I should have read for Interpretación. 
6. Improve my English level and speaking skills. 
7. READ! Read at least one book per month. 
8. Watch a lot of K-dramas (please)...I want to. Miss them :(
9. Being...generally...more responsible and more conscious about my own life. 
10. ...I know I have to do something else, but I just can think what would it be..

Finally, I wish I could get a job, but, I mean, I´m not going to spend all my time, like 12 hours in a "alienating"  job. I need free time to at least (as I always intend to) try to improve my life. Improve myself. 

Guess, that´s all. See you, tomorrow. I hope.

THEY JUST DON´T GET IT ...

For people it is so easy to say it. For mom, specially.

"You have everything, why are you sad?"

"Why do you feel so miserable?"

"Please don´t start again with your stupid, useless bad habits"

"I have seen what you´re doing, don´t start again"

Yeah, of course, I will get better just because you people want it.

If you don´t get it, just don´t ask to much for me.

I want to drown in my own misery since none of you is actually interested in help me. And it´s ok, it is not your job being around to an useless person as I am. You can not, also.

So, just let me rest. 

Maybe...please...tell me some joke and let me rest....