HOY ME SIENTO RARA.

 Cuesta creer que son tantos años de la misma existencia. De la misma compañía descubriendo este espacio y tiempo que llamamos Vida. 

Lo que me define: no sé. NO SABER. 

No sé quién soy, no sé qué quiero, no sé para dónde voy, no sé por qué estamos aquí y no sé cómo proceder. Como no sé qué hacer, siempre escojo lo más sencillo, que es el dolor y lo conocido. ¿O lo desconocido?

Lo conocido son creencias arraigadas que tengo de mí misma desde hace muchos años, como el ...no poder construir proyectos duraderos 

 Estoy cansada. No sé ni qué escribir. 

Solo sé que esto no para. No era una etapa, como me dijo esa profesora en noveno una vez. 

Puede que olvides o entierres ciertos hábitos, pero el dolor sigue ahí. 

La vida dolorosa sigue con nosotros. 

Soñar contigo.

3 Julio 2020. 

Soñar contigo y perdernos esta noche. Soñar contigo sin que importe nadie más, soñar contigo en la arena y los tambores. 
Lo cierto es que soñé contigo, Baby Student. No sé qué pensar. Por más romántico que parezca el vivir una aventura onírica que se rebele contra la realidad, me hace sentir triste. Triste saber que no es tangible, que de mi parte existe este sentimiento pero seguramente de la suya ya no, o pronto se va a extinguir. 
Justo hoy alguien me escribió de una manera formal extraña, como usted me escribía, y casi rompo en llanto. No obstante, solo una lágrima. Sólo mis ojos humectándose un poco, pero no llorando. Sólo un escalofrío y un pequeño nudo en la garganta. 
¿Por qué estoy soñando con usted? ¿Por qué todavía en mi sueño usted no está permitido y no es posible, pero es mi deseo? Lo extraño y todavía no me creo cómo llegué a enredar mis sentimientos con usted.  
Quisiera escribirle de verdad. No sé cuál vaya a ser su reacción. De odio, supongo. 

HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Don´t get me wrong. I´m sad -....like absolutely depressed and disappointed on life. However, I want to smile because Moenia is with me. Please, imaginary friends in my head, help me, help me to survive this extremely difficult life.

VERY DIFFICULT WEEK

Well, yeah. This week was really hard. Tuesday started to go down and Wednesday was the peak of pain and harm. I went to Centro Mayor and there I felt that all my feelings came over me and I felt so overwhelmed that I couldn't control pain hence I cried a lot and I felt like I was going to have a sort of crisis. I really needed someone, I needed my teacher, but of course he wasn't there for me. He will never be, and it hurts. I needed him as a friend, deep down, as someone who resembles a dad and a lover. In short, I suffered, I suffered a lot on Wednesday. Today I had a nice talk with a partner from English for Work. Don't tell anybody but for me, he is a really superior person. He is something magic, stunning to meet and to have I guess. I just have to remember his name is Daniel Alejandro because I will be happy to think of him in future and wonder how he'll be doing. Besides, today I did something different. It was the first time I did it and it actually was kind of cool. I need to work on my conscious (as Daniel says) because I want to be free to do what I want without feeling guilty or judged. 

That´s all. 

Hmmm, C...I miss you C, but I don´t mean to be intense and annoying, that is why I am letting you take a rest from me. But I miss you. And, I think your girl is going away for some days and you said you were going to be like heartbroken. Am I right or am I wrong? Anyways, it's sad. 

BUSY AS A PUSSYCAT

Hahaha I am not even sure of what a pussycat means. It's just that, yeah, I've been busy. Busy eating, thinking of someone, crying, bitting myself, listening to Moenia and...learning, I hope. Let's wait! Let's wait till the next move. I hope I'll be lucky this time. Cross your inexistent fingers for me, please.. 

I DON'T LIKE IT, I LOVE IT...

DARKNESS

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I am awful, I feel awful and I have no hope about anything. How can I be so unstable? How can I feel fine and the next day lose all the fucking hopes that keep us living? I feel so useless for being so voluble. People hate that. But what people think is just the smallest of my problems. I am bad. I need help. I need something that helps me, but I don't know what it is. I am going to end up really bad, but I just don't know. I am sick of me. I am sick of living with me...It's just that sometimes I want to get better, I want to be normal and happy. ...Although, I am normal, right? What is wrong with me? Why am I different if I am just sad? 
Living is too much for me. I am so useless that I can't live a simple, normal life. I feel alone, but it's just that I am empty, I don't have anything to offer me that is why I need people. People can silent my pain for a while, then they go. And it is fine. I can't have people around me all the time, that is wrong. But, I know. Deep in my heart I know I want them to be with me. I want them to save me from something I, myself, have created. I know that my problems can only be solved by me, but knowing is not the same as doing. 
I'm sad. I'm sad that I am an adult. I wish I was a child again. Why didn't I have these problems when I was a child and my mom could solve them? Why? Now, I am alone, it's my fight only. And nobody's here to help me. They can just hurt me and they will destroy me little by little. My friends can't always be with me and people who are near me, they don't care and they will hurt me. I am sick of this. I am sick of this shit. SAD. SAD. SAD. SAD. SAD. SAD. SAD. 

FEAR...

I am afraid, afraid to gain weight again. I don't want to come back to 57, a lot less 58. I don't want to. I know I am doing wrong by letting my life become only appearance and insecurities but it's a start, right? A start to feel motivation once again. At least I have the intentions to change my situation, right? The only thing I wouldn't like to think is that I am feeling energy again just because of a man. I wouldn't like that but deep in my heart I feel that is the rationale (new word, hehe). 
Hehe, this vacation will be strange, I am feeling strange but, for now, I am calm. I have hopes and expectations despite the fear, hehe. I feel a little warmness in my heart and tiny pieces of joy inside of me. Jiji. 
Thanks for receiving me, dear journal. Thanks for "hearing" my thoughts and reading my secrets. 
OFF. 
DON'T LET ME MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN